Talking to my kids about the "h" word

For those of you who might have missed this YouTube, this is one of the great moments that has come out of the recent public discussions on gay teen suicides. Check it out.

So let's advance the discussion beyond what school administrators should be doing and what gay teens can do for themselves. What about regular old parents who send our kids to school? I'd imagine that how we raise our kids has everything to do with being a part of the solution. I've had other parents ask me (significantly lowering their voice at this point) whether I discuss the issue of homosexuality with my children. My answer: of course. With one child in middle school and another one about to enter middle school next year, I know that they might learn about other kids coming out as gay. I want them to understand what that means and how to respond to it.

I started laying the groundwork long ago by introducing our kids to a few of my friends who were gay when they were small. I didn't mention anything like "this person is gay" but I just let the kids get to know them for who they were. They would also hear during our family prayer times that I wanted prayer for friends of mine who are planning to come out to parents or who got kicked out of their churches. As the kids got older they'd ask why someone would get rejected by family or friends for being gay. What's gay? That's when I'd explain. That was also an opportunity to say, "Remember Mr. So-and-So who helped you with your science project? He's gay. Do you also remember Mr. So-and-So who gave you those nice chairs? He's also gay."

Most parents start wigging out at the thought of explaining homosexuality to their grade-school-aged kids. I'm not sure if it's because they think they have to talk about gay sex, or because they are afraid they'd be planting doubts into their kids' minds about their own sexuality if the existence of homosexuality were acknowledged. For what it's worth, here's how I've approached it.

First off, you don't have to talk to your kids about sex acts. Particularly if you are raising your kids as Christians, they are probably fairly sheltered and naive about that kind of stuff anyhow. Even when kids make crude sexual jokes in grade school, they don't have the slightest idea what they're talking about. Whether it's gay sex or straight sex, it's all gross and unfathomable to them anyhow, so don't feel an obligation to address it. Besides, sex is not really the issue here.

The issue is feelings. Talking about feelings is a good place to start if your seven or eight year-old asks about homosexuality--or just sexuality in general. I point to the story of Cinderella or any other well known prince and princess story. Kids understand that there's a special loving feeling that attracts a man and a woman in such stories. I explain that some people have those kinds of loving feelings except it's between two men and two women. I also explain that people who experience homosexual feelings can't help it and don't know where the feelings come from, so it's not like they're trying to be different on purpose.

But will bringing up homosexuality raise questions in a kid's mind about whether he or she is homosexual? Sure, my kids have asked about that. I just tell them that most people are heterosexual and chances are they are too, so don't worry about it. The reason I tell my kids that is not because I know for sure that they will turn out straight, but because there's no point in speculating about something when it's too early to tell anyhow. Encouraging them not to worry about it is the best way for them to avoid mind games, which can get in the way when it comes time later on to evaluate honestly whether they are gay or straight or bi or whatever. I also tell them that if they do come to an awareness of being gay at some point, I will love them just the same and nothing will change, so that's another reason not to worry. Since they already see how much I care about my gay and lesbian friends, I trust that they know I'm not just speaking empty words.

Because we raise the kids as Christians, of course they ask me about what the Bible teaches. I simply explain to them my personal view, which I've explained many times on this blog and you're welcome to skip this paragraph if it bores you. I tell them that because we live in a fallen world, some people find that their feelings are directed toward people of the same sex instead of the opposite sex, so it's true that homosexuality doesn't fit into what God had originally planned for humanity. But then, none of us can live up to God's original plan for us as human beings, so we shouldn't be singling out gay and lesbian people as if we're somehow doing better than they are. What's more, even though the Bible teaches that marriage should be between a man and a woman, it also teaches that loving one another is the most important thing, and since gay couples really do love each other, how condemning do you want to be of that? I just try to impress upon them that being true to the whole of the Bible's teaching quite often means that the answers don't come easily.

There is a payoff to having all these at-home conversations (which, by the way, should never become preachy or overbearing, but should happen gradually over a period of years). For one thing, your kids should know that you will always love them, that you've thought ahead to all the different scenarios of how they might turn out and you've already decided that nothing will stand in the way of your love for them. For another, with all the hatred and bullying that goes on in our schools today, you want your kids to be a positive influence, a voice reason and understanding among their friends, even their Christian friends. I may not be able to control what the other kids do, but as a parent I have to focus on raising my own kids to contribute positively to society. You do your part and hope that other people are doing theirs.

Family talk

Every evening during our little family prayer meeting, we pray for each other and for any friends we know who are in need. I often ask the kids to pray for gay friends I know who are having troubles with their families or churches. One evening last week it was just me with my two older children at the prayer meeting. They were asking why parents who find out their kids are gay get so upset.

"Because it makes the parents angry and afraid when they find out," I tell them.

"Why?"

"Well, especially Christian parents. Because some Christians believe their kid chooses to be gay. Other people believe that if their child turns out gay it's the parents' fault, so they get angry at the kid because they feel responsible somehow. But we don't really know why people turn out gay. It's still kind of a mystery."

My ten-year-old asks, "Mommy, what would you do if you found out one of your kids is gay?"

The seven-year-old looks at me too.

"I would love you just the same," I say. "Besides, I don't think that being gay or not gay is the most important thing. The most important thing to me is that you believe in Jesus."

The two kids jump up. Apparently, it is a fist-pumping moment for them.

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

They bounce around on their queen-sized futon.

"Believing in Jesus is the most important thing!"

"Jesus is more important than gay!"

"Yeah!"

After they settle down, we talk about it some more. For their age they have tremendous spiritual understanding, and they've come such a long ways. I'm very proud of them.

Life lessons and homeschooling

I've been homeschooling our two older children largely because the local schools here in the L.A. school district are pretty dismal. Homeschooling isn't my preference, but when in 2003 I saw that only 39% of the students at the school my daughters would be attending qualified as proficient (yep, proficient) in reading according to national standards—well, that did a lot to convince my husband and me to look at other options.

The idea of homeschooling was never a big deal for me because for a long time I'd been surrounded by parents who already did it. At our former church every single family homeschooled except for one. But I learned that people have varying reasons for doing it. And if you become a member of the Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA), as I made the mistake of doing for a year, you realize from their newsletters and onslaught of email updates that HSLDA assumes all Christian homeschoolers are a right-wing voting bloc that they can exploit for their hyperventilated campaign against same-sex marriage. Pretty obnoxious. Did I mention what a mistake it was to join?

Our reasons for homeschooling have little to do with avoiding "government schools" that promote "the homosexual agenda" as HSLDA puts it. It is about good education, not the right politics. Ironically, even if you are homeschooling to avoid the politically charged atmosphere of a left-leaning school district, by joining a homeschooling group you are just entering into another politically charged atmosphere, quite often right-leaning. Since our focus is on old-fashioned academics, not training up future voters, we have been content to bypass both public schools and homeschooling organizations and forge ahead solo.

And it's funny how the right kind of "life education" takes place when you just let it come about naturally. I'm weak in science so I asked my friend Doug Taron, whom I came to know through my website, for advice on a science unit. Doug is a conservation biologist who specializes in restoring endangered butterfly species. Well, one thing led to another in our email exchanges and pretty soon he had us hooked onto the project of raising Painted Lady Butterflies. We started with the caterpillar stage and took it all the way through metamorphosis, the emergence of adult butterflies, mating, egg laying, and the hatching of several hundred larvae. The larvae died because of toxins from fungus in the cage (my mistake), but otherwise the girls went to town with the project and had a fantastic time. They took photographs, made sketches, observed the eggs and larvae under a microscope. Finally we put together a complete report, a copy of which we gave to Doug when he and his partner came over for dinner shortly afterward. It was by far the most memorable project we have done so far in our homeschooling adventures.

But there was an unexpected educational bonus that came out of that project. Our kids are approaching that age when they're asking questions about issues they overhear adults talk about. When they came to me asking what "gay" meant, not only was I comfortable explaining it to them, but better, I could point to a number of people they already knew that we've had over for dinner, one of whom was our friend Doug. Remember how he was the one who helped us with the butterfly project? Yes, of course they remembered. The butterfly net and butterfly calendar and butterfly educational DVD's they've asked for subsequent to doing that project attest to the fact that they remember him very well.

I feel much more comfortable with that kind of introduction than having them get their first exposure to "gay issues" by going to school and hearing whispers and gossip about whether some teacher or fellow student is gay. Then seeing their friends divided over whether it is or isn't a choice, is or isn't a sin, or should or shouldn't be considered a big deal. Or worse, getting a unit about it in the classroom and seeing parents fight teachers over what should or shouldn't be said. Sure, kids will have to see that stuff eventually. But it seems to me we'd all be better off if everyone's first exposure to this issue took place in a spirit of calm, after having already become acquainted with people who are actually gay.

My friend Doug, by the way, has a blog that is a balanced and interesting mixture of his professional and personal interests. If you like insects, nature, ecology and/or cooking, you can check it out here.